10 things I hope Santa doesn’t bring me for Christmas

I love them so much and have such a sweet tooth but I am always trying to lose weight, and regular gifts of chocolate at Christmas, Easter, Mothering Sunday and my birthday really don’t help. And my tendency to comfort-eat is strongest at this time of year, in common with many. Especially women. I wonder why. So chocs are a no-no. Thanks.

Especially nasty, itchy polyester lace. And polyamide is nylon. Yuck! I shudder as I write. Black or red is especially clichéd and bad. I’ve lost count of the items of sexy underwear I’ve tried to squeeze myself into in the past. They don’t flatter, let’s leave it at that. And, as for suspender belts: there’s a reason why women don’t use them anymore. The logistical nightmare of sorting out a suspender belt and stockings is enough to dampen one’s ardour for weeks. Also in this category: anything, ANYTHING from Ann Summers has no place under the Christmas tree.  
I’ve far too many of these as it is, even having given away half of my collection to Rueil Malmaision library. I currently have a “recommended must read” pile of at least 8 books that all belong to other people. I’m anxious that these people will all think I don’t care for their taste. Also that I’m some sort of book thief. So no more books please. Especially cookery books. I’ve absolutely no more room for those, until I get a new kitchen, at any rate. You could bring me one of those. And I’m not a Philistine, but….no more books about museum collections. Or dog training. 
Clothes or shoes 
I know that I lust after posh shoes but how awful it would be if, having spent all that money on those Manolos*, they didn’t actually fit over my wide feet? Ditto with clothes. Not only am I an odd shape, but your taste, sweetie, isn’t mine. And let’s face it, my clothes are always covered in mud from walking the dog and I don’t get to go to posh dos anymore, so what’s the point of having them hanging there forlornly unworn, creasing at the hem, in a wardrobe that’s too short to accommodate them? 
Even cashmere ones. I now have far too many and if I need one I can knit one myself. 
Kitchen implements 
I know I like cooking but a new Le Creuset frying pan isn’t the way to go, OK? (Thank goodness we don’t have a dishwasher or microwave that needs replacing.) 


I’ll never listen to them. We have a bewilderingly vast music collection already. If I need something, I’ll download it. Ditto with DVDs. Apart from Singing in the Rain. 

I don’t wear this much anymore because of the dog and because I sing. And I have plenty to last for the next few years. So, no matter how fashionable the latest offering is from Victoria Beckham or her off TOWIE, please, please don’t buy me perfume. L’Occitane shower gel and body lotion, on the other hand, are perfectly acceptable. 🙂 
Porcelain boxes or ornaments 
Are usually not tasteful and just gather dust. 
Marrons glacés 
Just no. Self explanatory. Bleugh. 
But anything else, would be fine. 
*Other brands of posh shoes are available. 



4 thoughts on “10 things I hope Santa doesn’t bring me for Christmas

  1. Just as well you’ve written this after everyone’s bought your present as I’m sure they’d be too worried after this post. I think Id buy jewellery or something for the garden. Hope you have a great Christmas and get given the perfect Christmas presents. I’m pretty easily pleased so there shouldn’t be any horrors! Xx

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